I’ve been really edgy the last two days. Somehow I got really good at pissing off 4 people and Speedy bit me within a few hours of each other. Someone called me a fu*king jackass and I was also reminded that just because I’m having surgery tomorrow, doesn’t mean that the world revolves around me.
I totally deserve the feedback as I’ve been wanting to just pick fights with people. I told dad that I’m in that kind of mood today and he said join the club because his medication has put him on edge the last month or so and he’s had insomnia which kind of exacerbates it. I’ve been off chemo for a month already and I don’t want to scapegoat my poor behavior on chemo brain, which is not an acceptable excuse. I just can’t pinpoint what’s causing my bad attitude at all.
I’ve apologized to a few people for being inconsiderate and rude, I have no problem saying I’m sorry again for being a jerk to those I was hurtful to the last few days as it was unwarranted.
I don’t think I’m nervous or scared for my surgery tomorrow. My surgeon exudes the utmost confidence and makes an anterior thoracic sternotomy procedure sound like just “another day at the office”. I’ve been joking about dying on the operation table as a “quit while I’m ahead” type of situation but I think I’m only doing it as a distraction from actually thinking about it on a deeper level and risk freaking myself out.
Joanna’s uncle jokingly reassured me the other night that I’ll have plenty more years to “put up” with the world ahead of me. Dad said not to worry about it, if God think it’s time to go home then it’s time, otherwise if he has plans for me to help expand his kingdom then I’ll stick around.
I have this verse that I lean on every once in a while
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11
I had my pre op procedures done today which included more blood tests and an electrocardiogram to make sure my heart is in good shape for surgery.
After that we met again with Dr. Wigel my surgeon about the procedure. He went into additional detail saying that they will plan on cutting through my sternum and if the tumor has attached to a larger chunk of lung that they’ll have to remove, they will do what’s called a hemi clamshell thoracotomy where they do an additional incision to the right of my chest to make a flap where they can get at more of my insides.
I asked him what tumors like mine look like. He said they’re either white like a gourd you find at the grocery store with ugly bumps all over them or red and sort of smooth with lots of veins all over it. He said he’ll have pictures to show me of Derek when we’re all done with surgery.
At the end of the surgical visit, I was given a pamphlet and packets of special soap I need to use tonight and prior to showing up at the hospital tomorrow. I guess they’re supposed to reduce the risk of infection as they’re super antibacterial? You are supposed to rinse in the shower, wash with half of the soap, according to the pamphlet make sure to wash under the folds, rinse, then wash again but wait 2 minutes prior to rinsing it all off.
I am required to be at St. Mary’s hospital at 6:30am tomorrow morning, probably not a bad thing as I can’t eat or drink anything past midnight tonight.
The whole procedure should take about 4-6 hours but including prep and post-op stuff like taking xrays and removing tubes, the whole thing would be around 8 hours. They’ll be using titanium wire to wire my rib cage back together. It’ll take about an hour for me to wake up after being taken off anesthesia and I’ll expect to stay at the hospital for about 6 days for observation.
The one thing I’m looking forward to I guess is being put under and waking up hours later. I’m absolutely not looking forward to the weeks of pain and need to rely on others for simple tasks. It’s just hard to be someone who thrives on helping others and then later needing to be humble enough to ask for help.
I don’t expect I’ll be able to blog for the next few days at least not in as much detail as I usually do. I’ll try to do it from my phone so my apologies ahead of time for the lack of quality because I typically blog from my laptop. For now, my sister will be my guest blogger filling in for me.
I got this text from my mom… I think she was joking?
Mom: I think it’s better if you sleep early tonight else you’re going to be sleepy during surgery
Me: Aren’t I sleeping during surgery?
