I threw a tantrum to Joanna last night, she just sat and listened while I went on a rant that I’m sick of coughing for the past 8 weeks. My ribs hurt and I’m exhausted from throwing up every morning when I wake up because of it. I had to take a break today from walking halfway down Costco while pushing an empty cart. Can I PLEASE be better now? I promise that I’ll volunteer more, work extra overtime at work, give more tithes at church. Anything to be rid of this now.
The most she could say was that I should recognize that these are the “good times”. I can still eat whatever I want, drive where I want to go, and spend time with her and Speedy before starting treatment.
I graduated with my master’s degree exactly a month ago and wrote this on my Facebook
May 17th:
It’s really interesting to see the very clear beginning and end of this chapter in my life, I’m looking forward to taking a short break and seeing what comes next.
I can’t help but scoff at what the last few weeks have turned into.
It certainly doesn’t feel like the good times…
This morning I was supposed to get the port installed for chemo. I talked to my dad about it yesterday and decided to cancel the appointment as I have my 2nd opinion appointment with Dr. Costello (profile) and his treatment plan could change based on his experience. I can always schedule the port installation for later this week.
I re-re scheduled my sperm bank appointment to 1pm today. They had a 10 am appointment available but the Panama-Sweden World Cup game was on then and I couldn’t miss rooting on the home team. Panama for both my mom and dad’s side, Sweden I guess because I’m Minnesotan? Dad came over and watched the first half with me. I probably should have asked him to stay for the 2nd half as his absence was the reason Panama got killed at 0-3 🙁
When I first contacted Fairfax Cryobank in Roseville, they told me that the cost of the first appointment, blood work, lab tests, and freeze would be $650. They recommend a minimum of two “deposits” which is $350 for each one after the first appointment. It’s $40 a month for storage otherwise you can prepay for 1, 2, 3, 5, and 10 years. I considered 5 years which is $1340. So yah this whole “experience” would be at least $2400 minimum. Joanna said, “Geeze these kids haven’t even been conceived yet and they’re already costing you money.”
The woman I spoke to, Nadine, suggested that I talk to a cancer organization called Livestrong that helps pay for part of the upfront costs and 1 year of storage. In total, it’s about $600 in savings which is significant. I just need to meet their criteria which is earn less than $90k a year, actually have cancer, and put together the proper paperwork. This was part of why I was busy on Thursday and Friday because I was rushing to get this stuff together for the foundation to approve it.
It was pouring rain on the way to the bank. I made mention that I should have worn my waterproof hiking boots so my sneakers wouldn’t get wet and Joanna zings me with “Welp, don’t need to the bank anymore this guy is ready to be a dad right now.”
I don’t need to go into much detail about this part. They made me fill out a pile of forms with one clause stating that upon my death the cryobank must destroy all stored deposits and promise to not create a clone army. You know…usual stuff
They had to take blood samples to test for HIV and Hepatitis then gave me a cup and put me into a tiny room with a black leather chair and some “reading material”. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they just took me out behind the building by the dumpsters where there was a park bench and handed me a slightly soiled beach towel to sit on.
If I had to write a Google review, I’d say that they have nothing short of state of the art equipment here.
This was all just really weird, I didn’t like it at all especially having to do it after getting another needle in my left arm, thankfully ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), which bruised a bit this time.
Joanna offered that we grab lunch at whichever place I wanted to go. I felt like hot pot and bubble tea so we went to Le Pot in Dinkytown which shares the space with a Kung Fu Tea.
No more than an hour after we left the bank. The lab technician called me with the results of my sample. What I expected to hear was the count and how many vials they could fill. In reality, he said there was no sperm in the deposit I left.
I was shocked, there must have been some mistake? He said that they would only charge me for a lab test and will not be moving forward with storage as there is nothing in my deposit to freeze. I need to call my physician to discuss the results.
I tried to think of any logical reason for the news. Maybe all the tests that I had in the last week and a half affected how my body produces the cells? No, if they were affected there would be some small traces of them. I read that if CT scans had an effect on production, it would take 3-9 weeks after they were performed to see a change. I already got the testicular ultrasound cleared so nothing could be affecting that either.
I understand that stress and lack of sleep can contribute to low counts. To make a deposit, I have to allow 3-5 days to do so. If I start chemo next week, there just isn’t enough time. Thereby causing additional stress.
My breathing became more labored than it already was as I was trying to process the information and try to create some sort of explanation or reason for it. But no, as far as I know right now…I’m sterile
My world has been shaken every few days, it takes a ton of mental energy to readjust and continue moving forward with a new outlook on my reality. I haven’t gotten a break from all the bad news that’s just been flowing in.
This has literally been the last 14 days for me: There’s a growth in your chest -> it’s actually a tumor ->you have a very rare cancer -> treatment is going to take more than 6 months -> you’re sterile.
For people to tell me to be brave and stay strong does jack shit right now. It doesn’t help me at the moment to know that there are other options for kids in the future. But hey, Abraham was 100 years old and Sarah 91 when they had Isaac in Genesis so there’s still hope for me yet right?!
I’ve literally done nothing but go through the motions this entire time as I’ve been told what appointments to attend, where to get my blood drawn for the nth time, how long I can’t eat or drink for, how to lay still for my tests, and what I should expect my outlook to be based on bad news from test results.
Having to recite “Andrew Loo 1-3-88” upon each encounter with a medical professional feels more and more like I’m giving my prisoner number.
If anyone wants to come to me and tell me how they were able to get through a disease that was unpreventable with a 30% failure rate, parent with possible prostate cancer, 4-month period of poison pumped through them, chest cavity broken open and dug into, and to top it off, no kids to tell the tale of surviving all of that. BE MY GUEST
If you call or message me, I probably won’t be answering for the rest of the day as I’ll be looking for where rock bottom is in all of this.
